Mad Men, AMC’s four time Emmy winner for Best Dramatic Series returns this Sunday with a two- hour season premier. The last few weeks demonstrates AMC’s determination to draw Walking Dead viewers over. For two examples, click here and here
It’s been well over a year since the last episode of Mad Men, but thankfully the wait is almost over. Like most new seasons of this show, you can never really tell where they’re going to pick up. Season two began over a year later and the last two seasons were nearly the same. Almost nothing has been leaked online, and the actors and actresses are silent about any plot points. Because of this, here are my top 30 predictions for the new season of Mad Men–the best show on television (I am horribly biased).
**Note: If you have never watched Mad Men do not read past this point. The following does not necessarily contain spoilers, but is extremely boring if you do not watch the show.
1. Joan’s breasts will shrink, taking away half of Mad Men’s viewers.
2. Everybody smokes even more cigarettes and drinks more booze.
3. Don bangs another blonde lady reminiscent of Betty and Dr. Fay.
4. Kinsey returns and has gained 50 pounds, making him look more like Orson Welles than before.
5. Joan, impregnated by Roger, becomes America’s first octomom, beating out that Angelina lookalike by a few decades. All the babies have grey hair.
6. Don lands an account with the CIA and is the main advertising force behind the phony moon landing.
7. Megan becomes a copywriter, pissing off Peggy and all the others in creative.
8. Somebody finally listens to Cooper and buys a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
9. Don quits the agency, changes his identity again and becomes a Bay Area liberal political science professor.
10. Betty shoots Andy Warhol.
11. Bobby Draper is gay.
12. Roger, suffering from a World War II flashback, goes out and kills a bunch of people in Chinatown. Too bad Roger fought the Japanese, but because he’s so rich he doesn’t get caught.
13. Cooper really assassinated JFK and later morphed into Cancer Man from The X-Files.
14. After a year and a half absence from contemporary society, “Adultery is Back” and psychiatrists everywhere rejoice.
15. It turns out Don isn’t really a whoreson but instead a super-powered humanoid from the planet Kryptos. Unfortunately, unlike beings from Krypton – who gain Superman’s powers when on Earth – Don’s super powers are drinking heavily and banging women.
16. Pete and Peggy will have sex again. This time he’ll get pregnant.
17. Roger Sterling is actually Rhode Island independent Congressional candidate Steve Austin (he’s the professional wrestler Steve Austin “if you’re blind”), and he’s going to clean up Washington and put a casino on the moon (for the 30 Rock fans).
18. Don begins his plans for a clothing company called Banana Republic – a prophetic move because he realizes they’ll eventually launch a Mad Men clothing line almost 50 years later. The clothes are terrible.
19. Everybody who hasn’t smoked pot starts and everybody who already has smokes even more (it’s past 1965 by this point!!).
20. Little Sally realizes she’s probably the only cast member who’ll have a career after Mad Men’s over.
21. Trudy ends up in a Great Gatsby-like hit and run situation.
22. Greg will come back from Vietnam legless and with a severe case of PTSD, forcing Joan to take care of him and the eight babies sired by Roger in an alleyway.
23. We learn Dick Whitman is really the John Updike character Rabbit.
24. Roger has another heart attack. Luckily this one counteracts the original two and repairs his heart, making alcoholism and heavy smoking even more attractive.
25. Peggy has sex with the priest played by Tom Hanks’ son and gives birth to a reincarnation of Joseph Smith.
26. Henry Francis leaves Betty after a threesome involving Glen.
27. Miss Blankenship rises from the dead, prompting the events in George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead.
28. Don Draper is actually Astronaut Mike Dexter (another for the 30 Rock fans).
29. Lane stays in England, becomes part of a fascist genetic experiment, dons a Guy Fawkes mask and saves the British from a hegemonic, totalitarian state. He also continues banging his girlfriend from the Playboy club.
30. Everybody is still miserable.
If this list has piqued your interest in Mad Men, the first four seasons are streaming on Netflix. You can also emulate these characters by drinking large amounts of top shelf alcohol and smoking unfiltered cigarettes in abundance. I would suggest Lucky Strike, but for multiple reasons I won’t.