Alright kids pump up your sneakers and grab your trapper keeper, it’s time to milk the eighties for more nostalgia driven movie goer moolah…. GO Joe! This isn’t the first trip down this lane we’ve made, if you remember some years ago (2009) we were treated to GI Joe The Rise of Cobra. From that we got Hancock like special effects, with less talented actors. This was in fact a poor man’s iron man in many ways. The build up story for Cobra Commander was predictable at best and the long awaited arrival of Cobra Commander was like watching a movie about the hulk and never seeing the great green monster (seriously the kid from third rock from the sun?!!) The movie fell face first as a sad attempt at the success Transformers had already achieved.
This brings us to now. Most of the cast is coming back, so this isn’t a relaunch like Punisher War Zone, or the upcoming Spiderman movie. There are some who are not coming back (or atleast not billed) this list includes Dennis Quaid (good for him) and Marlon Wayans. Of course there is most likely a best boy somewhere in there that said “fuck this garbage” but unfortunately I wasn’t able to get his name.There are some names added to the list this time around though, biggest of these being Bruce Willis, but we shall see if he’s anything more than what Samuel L Jackson was to Iron Man, or Tommy Lee Jones was to Captain America. We’ve also got the Rock, or as he’s known as lately Dwayne Johnson. On a side note, does anyone have any doubt in their mind as to why he decided to go with the moniker “The Rock” instead of Dwayne Johnson? His real name sounds like a mix between the kid who smelled like sour milk on the school bus and a Porno star.
The guy who played the mummy in the mummy is also along for the ride this time around so we truly have a sequel of bowl irritating proportions, add Brendan Frasier and we’d have ourselves a reunion….oh wait he was in the first one. So yes, mummy guy (I think his name is Arnold something) is playing Zartan, let’s all thank sweet mother mary they included that character.
Onto the story though, from what I gathered from the trailer and various other unnamed sources, cobra commander (who looks much cooler this time around) somehow snuggles up with the U.S. Government and gets the G.I. Joe named public enemy number one. The Joes are then blasted to the equivalent of a brown smear across the desert floor. There are shots of the President with Cobra Commander, and even more foreboding shots of Nazi-esque Cobra banners falling from the awnings of the White House. This is then followed by some patriotic mumbo jumbo catch phrases meant to entice machismo like “it’s time to take our country back” or “I’ll have a double bacon cheeseburger!”
All in all I guess if you’re looking for guns and big guys and anti-terroristic clap trap this is probably the movie for you. For me I can’t help wondering two things….wheres the guy with the parrot from the cartoon, and why aren’t the guns shooting blue and green laser bursts?