God Hates Astronauts #4

6 Overall Score
Asparagus : 1/10
Nipples: 6/10
Stank: 10/10

It was rather stanky | The nipple content was more than medium-level--something that didn't go unnoticed, thank you very much | I ate a really excellent bagel a few days ago | Generally speaking, lieutenants are worse

Zero asparagus representation | Nipples appeared, but I didn't think they were there but to meet some weird criteria | Not enough George Clooney-related humor

God Hates Astronauts #4
Ryan Browne, Jordan Boyd
Image Comics
2014

Now, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was ten years old I could levitate. I’ve forgotten how since, but when I was just a little bit past spending a decade on this earth I figured out how to float between the floor and the sun—closer to the floor than the sun, mind you—but without anyone seeing. It was brilliant, exciting and, most importantly, all mine for me and myself alone to witness.

Such is not the case with Ryan Browne’s God Hate Astronauts,  which is there for everyone, and all there the same way the following morning as you left it the night before.

One time, when I was about sixteen, in Boone, North Carolina, I ate about three pounds of steak. It was delicious and awesome until it wasn’t awesome and certainly not delicious anymore.

Yes, explosive shit winds happened not long afterwards, but by my own retrospective estimation it was wholly worth it, because steak.

There are far less poops guaranteed to occur when you read God Hates Astronauts, unless you plan for it to be so.

When I was a little kid, I though outer space was otter space and that, up in the sky, otters swam through the stars.

I was a fucking idiot.

Also, when I was younger, my dad tried to get me to eat wheat bread. I didn’t want the wheat bread. I didn’t eat the wheat bread.

Then, one day, my dad came up to me and said, “Look, Jesse: cookie bread!”

I gobbled up the cookie bread. It was the fucking wheat bread.

Once more, I was a fucking idiot.

My dad was kind of clever that way; I wouldn’t have eaten it if he had said, “Look Jesse: shit bread!”

A few weeks later, I made a turtle out of Play-Doh and my dad ate it and had lots of diarrhea.

As I’m sure my father regretted consuming weird cookie-looking turtles, you’ll regret not catching on to possibly the most irreverent and zany comic book ever: God Hates Astronauts. 

 

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Jesse Scheckner
Author: Jesse Scheckner View all posts by

A freelance writer who regularly produces work for MMA Owl, Tuff Gnarl, Broward Palm Beach New Times, Florida Geek Scene and Miami’s Community Newspapers.
Moderately relevant. Follow me on Twitter @JesseScheckner.

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